The Mummas Village

Preparing Older Siblings for a Planned Caesarean: A Research Informed Guide for Families

Tue, 07 Apr 2026 21:35:01 GMT

Preparing Older Siblings for a Planned Caesarean: A Research‑Informed Guide for Families

Welcoming a new baby is a huge moment for any family — and when you’re planning a caesarean birth, there’s an added layer of logistics, timing and preparation. While much of the focus naturally sits on you and your recovery, research consistently shows that older siblings also benefit from gentle, thoughtful preparation.

Children thrive on predictability, connection and clear communication. When they understand what’s happening and feel included in the process, they adjust more smoothly to the arrival of a new baby and the temporary changes that come with a caesarean recovery.

Here’s a research informed, practical guide to help your older child feel secure, supported and excited about their new role.

�� Keep Explanations Simple, Honest and Age Appropriate

Child development research highlights that children cope best when they’re given clear, concrete information. They don’t need the medical details — just a simple outline of what to expect.

You might say:

• “Mummy will be going to the hospital on Tuesday to have the baby.”

• “Grandma will pick you up from school and stay with you.”

• “I’ll be home in a couple of days and we’ll have lots of cuddles.”

This kind of clarity reduces uncertainty and helps them feel safe.

�� Maintain Familiar Routines Where You Can

Studies show that predictable routines reduce anxiety during big transitions. While life may feel busy in the lead up to birth, keeping the basics steady — bedtime, mealtimes, school drop offs — helps children feel grounded.

If routines will change temporarily, prepare them gently:

• “Daddy will do bedtime for a few nights.”

• “We’ll still read your favourite story.”

Small consistencies make a big difference.

�� Bridging the Hospital Stay with Video Calls

If your hospital stay means a few days apart, remember that technology can be a wonderful bridge. Regular video calls can help older siblings feel connected to you and the new baby, allowing them to see your face and hear your voice. This can be particularly helpful in managing their expectations and reducing any anxiety about seeing Mummy in a hospital setting, which can sometimes be overwhelming for young children.

�� Give Them a Meaningful “Big Sibling Job”

Research into sibling adjustment shows that involvement increases bonding and reduces feelings of displacement. Children love to feel helpful and important.

Some lovely “big sibling jobs” include:

• Choosing baby’s first outfit

• Helping pack the hospital bag

• Picking a book to read to the baby

• Setting up a cosy space at home

These small roles help them feel part of the journey rather than pushed to the side.

�� Prepare Them for Your Recovery

A planned caesarean is major abdominal surgery, and recovery naturally affects how you move, lift, and cuddle. Research consistently emphasises the importance of setting gentle, clear boundaries early, so children know what to expect. This helps manage their expectations and ensures your comfort as you heal.

You might explain:

• “My tummy will be a bit sore while it heals, so I need to be gentle.”

• “We’ll do side hugs and hand squeezes instead of big jumps and cuddles for a little while.”

Pro-Tip from your Midwife:

• Keep a small, soft cushion or "cuddle pillow" on your lap when sitting. This provides a gentle physical barrier, protecting your incision from accidental bumps while still allowing your older child to sit close and feel connected without you feeling anxious.

Offering these alternatives helps them feel connected and loved, rather than rejected, during your recovery period.

�� Plan a Calm, Positive First Meeting

Studies on sibling bonding consistently suggest that the first introduction sets a crucial tone. Aim for a quiet, unhurried moment – ideally without lots of other visitors – to help your older child feel included, valued, and central to this new family dynamic.

A few ideas to make this moment special:

• Midwife’s Suggestion: When your older child first arrives, try to have your arms free. If possible, have the baby in their bassinet or being held by your partner or another trusted adult. This allows you to greet your older child with a big, gentle hug first, reinforcing that they are still your priority before introducing them to their new sibling.

• Let them be the first to meet the baby when you’re home (or in the hospital, if appropriate).

• Consider a small gift “from the baby” to their older sibling.

• Encourage gentle touch and curiosity, guiding their interactions.

This thoughtful approach helps create a warm, memorable, and reassuring moment for everyone.

�� Reassure Them That Your Love Isn’t Divided — It’s Growing

It’s normal for older siblings to feel wobbly, clingy or emotional during this transition. Research shows that connection is the antidote. Extra one to one time, even just 10 minutes a day, helps them feel secure.

Simple phrases like:

• “There’s always enough love for both of you.”

• “You’re still my special big boy/girl.”

These reminders go a long way.

�� Final Thoughts

Preparing older siblings for a planned caesarean doesn’t need to be complicated. With clear communication, steady routines and a little emotional preparation, children adapt beautifully. And when they feel secure, the whole family steps into this new chapter with more confidence and connection.

If you’re planning a caesarean and want support that’s calm, evidence based and midwife led or midwife devised, our workshops and antenatal classes are here to guide you every step of the way.

�� Your birth. Your recovery. Your family — supported with clarity and care.

Positive Birth - 2nd baby, group B strep and gestational diabetes

Fri, 04 Jul 2025 17:46:50 GMT

Positive Birth - 2nd baby, group B strep and diabetes

Positive Birth - 2nd baby, group B step and diabetes........

This amazing mumma did baby classes with us with baby number 1 and then joined our Better Birth class with baby number 2. Sometimes our pregnancy journey chances our birth preferences and hopes, but with the amazing support of her midwife and medical team this mumma had a truly positive experience .........

"At 39 weeks, it was time to bring my second baby into the world.

Despite being considered high-risk due to strep B, gestational diabetes, and my age of 42, I felt ready and supported having been through the amazing Mummyas Village, Better Birth course with Steph.

Opting for an induction, the only step needed was having my waters broken, as then contractions began just five minutes later, and within four hours, my beautiful baby was born.

Yes, there were challenges; the baby was back-to-back, which brought intense pain and a constant urge to push. But the experience was transformed by the extraordinary care of my midwife, Livi. Her kindness, support, and expertise were nothing short of miraculous. She went above and beyond, ensuring my perineum stayed intact despite the baby’s shoulder dystocia and nuchal hand—a remarkable feat given my previous third-degree tear.

Livi was supported by a fantastic team and I must make a special mention to Grace, another wonderful midwife who came in towards the end and gave me a lot of physical and mental support when I needed it most. Livi and the rest of the team at the Royal Surrey were incredible and I can't thank them enough for all they have done for us"

Positive Birth - First baby, water birth

Fri, 27 Jun 2025 19:53:03 GMT

Positive Birth - First baby, water birth

Lovely Lauren has done our whole collection of baby classes with her gorgeous little one. She had a wonderful first birthing experience when she gave birth to her daughter O:

" My waters broke at 3pm but I wasn’t experiencing any contractions so I was advised to go to RSCH to have baby monitored. I was seen quickly and they confirmed that baby was fine but because of the risk of infection I should be booked in for an induction the following day at 4pm in case I hadn’t gone into labour by then.

I was sent home at around 8pm and I started to feel very uncomfortable with a lot of back pain (which I had suffered with quite a bit during pregnancy anyway). I tried to eat a bit of dinner, had a bath and got into bed in the hope that I could get a bit of sleep.

At about 10 the pain ramped up and I realised the back pain was probably actually contractions. So my partner started to record these and spoke to the midwife hotline. At about 11:30 I was in such discomfort I asked to be admitted to RSCH and they agreed I should make my way.

I was fortunate to have an uncomplicated pregnancy and therefore was midwife led. On arriving at the maternity wing I was assessed and told I was fully dilated! I requested that they fill the birthing pool which they did fairly quickly and once I was in I was offered gas and air - the best! I was in the pool for about 25 mins in active labour when O arrived just before 2am! They told me I could pull her out myself but I was absolutely not feeling that, but if I’m lucky enough to have the same birth experience next time then I will.

The only thing I would say is that I don’t seem to remember being asked whether to give O the vitamin k injection, it was just done. This is something I would have said yes to so it didn’t bother me but I remember thinking I wish I had been asked regardless. Other than that the midwives were wonderful and listened to my asks, they were especially great with helping me feed.

A water birth was great for me, the feeling of the pain easing on getting in was amazing, it completely calmed me down and helped regulate my breathing. Would really recommend to anyone!"

Positive Birth - 3rd baby, induction

Fri, 20 Jun 2025 15:46:42 GMT

Positive Birth - Induction of third baby....

This amazing mumma has been in our village for a while now, doing classes with her three little ones and always being a champion and supporter of others in class! Habiba's story shows how being informed about your choices and advocating for yourself can make all the difference!

"This was my third labour so I was going into it very anxious, knowing a bit more of what to expect, but also having heard MANY stories that I hadn’t asked to hear, of other births over the past six years of having my children.

My first two births were very painful at the pushing stage, both of which I was lying on my back for. Ahead of this labour I did a lot of research on your pelvis during birth and was able to activate my learning while in labour (on all fours, legs together etc). I was able to feel the baby come down and whilst it was intense, I was very present for each final contraction and it felt a lot more natural and I didn’t need much guidance from the midwives.

All my labours have been induced (pessary and waters breaking), and have never had any further intervention. During this one as I hadn’t progressed “as desired” at 3 hours in, a Dr was insisting on syntocinon (artificial oxytocin). My midwife and I advocated for me, knowing my contractions were intensifying and to give me more time. The baby came 1.5 hours after!

My learning has been to trust your gut, focus on your breathing, and think about your position. Always take on board what medical advice you receive but don’t forget to lean into what your body is telling you.

Labour is intense there is no doubt about it, but our bodies are built to do it. Don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t go “as planned” because sometimes the baby has other ideas."

Positive Birth - Second baby home birth

Thu, 12 Jun 2025 17:37:58 GMT

Positive Birth - Second baby home birth

This gorgeous mumma did baby classes with us when she had her first baby. This time around she came along to our Better Birth class too as she prepared for her home birth:

"Following a straightforward (rather quick!) hospital birth with my first baby, my husband and I both agreed home would be the safest place to birth my second baby. I felt excited at the prospect of being in my own home comforts and ultimately not having to endure the car journey to hospital in labour.

My due date came and went, as I expected, due to my first baby being born a week late. I was enjoying the glorious May weather and making the most of my quiet days whilst my toddler went to nursery. Now 4 days overdue but still patiently waiting, I went on a dog walk with my neighbour and my mum. We got back home around 2.30pm. Spent a couple of hours talking, laughing and eating a pineapple with my mum at home. (Yes - I was trying all the old wives tales at this point!). Our chatter developed into reminiscing with my mum about her own birth stories. Being a midwife myself, I love talking about anything birth!

I soon noticed whilst chatting that I was getting the occasional back pain. Sat on my birthing ball for a while to see if it eased at all. By around 4pm, I realised they had a bit of a pattern. Still completely manageable however I thought perhaps a good idea to set my tens machine up. I loved the tens machine - worked wonders for my back pain! Shortly after, my husband returned from work and I excitedly suggested to him that ‘things might be happening!’.

He asked if I wanted him to inflate the pool but I felt it was too early. We carried on chatting in between contractions sat on the sofa. At 5pm, I felt an intense contraction and I decided it was time to inflate and fill the pool and time to get a midwife round! Husband listened, agreed and sprung into action along with the help of my mum.

Still using my tens machine, I was walking around the living room listening to my birthing playlist on Spotify watching the pool fill. My husband nipped out to collect my toddler from nursery at around 5:45. Still no midwives currently present, I knew things were ramping up but stayed as calm as I could. My little boy came in and saw the pool. He was excited to see what looked like a big paddling pool in the living room. After initially asking if he could get into the pool, he quickly remembered from a homebirth storybook we had been reading that it was for the baby! Quick kiss and cuddle and I said my goodbyes to him, my sister whisked him away for a sleepover.

Not long after 6pm, my wonderful named midwife arrived (along with her most calming presence). A quick hop into the pool around 6.20 and I went my whole body relax. The contractions were powerful and strong but I was well supported by my husband and mum with soft words of encouragement and touch. I held onto a birth comb throughout and felt this really helped me.

Just gone 7pm, our baby boy surfaced in the water. Everything felt so calm and quiet and was utterly perfect. A few checks were performed by the midwives whilst my baby stayed skin to skin with me throughout. Was not long before I was helped upstairs to my bed with a huge bowl of popcorn! The midwives slipped off under the moonlight and I remember feeling at peace and so perfect to have the night just the three of us. Big brother was dropped off the next day, and it’s true what they say, my heart doubled in size for my two boys ��

I will shout about positive birth from the rooftops to anyone who will listen. I recommend all to check out homebirth research and statistics - they are incredible! Although birth, however it comes, can be magical"

Positive Birth - IVF journey

Sat, 07 Jun 2025 12:04:10 GMT

POSITIVE BIRTH - IVF Journey

This gorgeous family have been in class with us for a few months now. They are a perfect example of the fact that you never know someone else's journey. You never know what someone has been through to get to where they are today. Always be kind!

"I thought I’d share my birth story as my journey to motherhood was very unique.

I have a congenital myopathy (muscle wasting disease) and an allergy to general anaesthetic for which I am under the care of the neurology team at St George’s hospital London.

Oliver is a PGT-M (Preimplantation Genetic Testing for Monogenic disorders) b aby. This had to go to a genetic panel in London for ethical approval ( as do all genetic IVF treatments) this was approved by the panel and so our journey began.

We were sent to a clinic in central London for our treatment and the whole process took just over a year before implantation of our embryo was undertaken. Out of 26 eggs collected 12 were fertilised and only 4 were genetically clear of not only my genetic conditions but all known genetic conditions.

The first 12 weeks of my pregnancy was under the clinic in central London and we were then transferred to the antenatal clinic at St George’s so that the neurologists could liaise with the antenatal team to ensure a safe pregnancy for both Oliver and I.

Although the journey to London for every midwife and consultant appointment was hard I couldn’t have had better care both from the clinic and St George’s.

Oliver was due at the beginning of November but for safety reasons a scheduled c section was planned for Halloween. Oliver decided he did not want to wait this long and at 36+6 my waters broke. As you can imagine driving to London (with all the A3 closures) at 11pm in a horrendous storm was interesting to say the least).

I was admitted but told that I would be monitored for now as only life or death C-sections take place during the night as there is less staff around if an emergency occurred. I was given medication the help with the pain and monitored to ensure my labour didn’t progress to quickly (as this was considered unsafe due to my muscle disease and the complications full labour could cause my muscles). By 6.30 am I was being prepped for my C-section and asked what music I wanted to listen to while Oliver was being born.

The C-section was beautiful! Considering it was still considered an emergency, staff took great care of us! Everything was calm and explained well at every step. Oliver was born on the 17th October on a hunters super moon.

We were very lucky to be given a private room where my husband and I were able to bond with Oliver and recover from the adrenaline of his sudden appearance, in our own little bubble.

Although a lot of excitement is taken out of an IVF pregnancy with all the procedures and appointments and of course injections and the strain this causes on many marriages (including my own). I wouldn’t change any of it for the beautiful boy we now get to raise.

Do let me know if you want anymore information about my journey, my husband and I are very open about the whole thing as it helped us to deal with each stage by talking to people but also to stop the when are you having children questions!"

Starting Reception Part 3 - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips.

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 21:02:02 GMT

Starting Reception - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips

The first day of school is one of those milestones that once felt impossibly far away. Then suddenly you are labelling socks, checking the start time for the fourth time and wondering how the child who was only born about twelve minutes ago can possibly be starting Reception.

The early days can feel emotional for children and parents. They can also be very practical. There are bags to remember, mornings to get through and a brand new goodbye to navigate, often before anyone has finished their coffee.

A little preparation can reduce some of the pressure. It will not guarantee a serene morning with polished shoes and smiling siblings, because families remain families, but it can give everyone fewer things to think about.

Ease back into the morning routine

If bedtimes and mornings have drifted during the holidays, start nudging them back gradually in the week or two before school. You might practise getting up, eating and getting dressed by roughly the time you will need to leave.

This is useful for adults too. The first attempt may reveal that nobody knows where the hairbrush is, the water bottle leaks and the journey takes ten minutes longer when a child stops to inspect every interesting leaf.

Make the night before do some of the work

Put out the uniform, including socks and shoes.
Pack the bag and add anything the school has requested.
Fill the water bottle and prepare lunch or a snack if needed.
Check who is doing drop off and collection, and make sure your child knows the plan.
Choose a familiar breakfast they are likely to eat. The first morning is not the moment to launch a new chia seed creation unless that is already their thing.

Take the photo before the first morning

If you want the classic first day photo, take it the day or weekend before. They can try on the full uniform, you can check everything fits and nobody is trying to pose while also watching the clock.

You can still take a quick photo on the actual morning if it feels right, but the important memory is the day itself, not whether the white polo shirt was documented before it met mud, paint or tomato sauce.

Keep goodbye warm, clear and predictable

A short, clear goodbye usually helps more than a long one. Tell your child you are leaving, remind them who will collect them and use the goodbye routine you have practised. Avoid slipping away unnoticed, because it can make them more watchful next time.

You could say: ‘It is time for me to go now. Mrs Patel will help you. Dad will collect you after school. I love you and I will see you later.’ Then have the cuddle, say goodbye and let the staff take over.

There may be tears. There may be no tears at all. Your child may cry on day five after sailing through the first four. None of those things tells you, on its own, how the whole transition is going.

You may feel emotional too. If they see that you have a tear in your eye, you have not failed. Try to keep your words calm and confident, and make sure they do not feel they need to stay with you or make you feel better. If you need a proper cry afterwards, the walk back from the gate has hosted plenty before yours.

Do not promise a perfect day

Phrases such as ‘You are going to have the best day’ can add pressure when a child is unsure. Try something steadier: ‘This is new, your teacher will help you and I will come back.’ It leaves room for the day to contain fun, confusion, tiredness and everything in between.

Expect very tired children afterwards

Reception is exhausting. Children are learning new rules, remembering where things go, managing friendships and holding themselves together in a busy environment. Some will come out chatting. Some will say they did ‘nothing’. Some will fall apart because their banana broke in the wrong place.

Try to keep the first few weeks gentle where you can. Have a snack and drink ready, reduce unnecessary plans and allow some quiet time after school. An earlier bedtime may help, although the child in question may strongly disagree.

If they do not want to answer lots of questions, leave space. ‘What did you do today?’ can feel enormous. You might share one thing from your own day, ask what made them laugh or wait until something spills out while they are playing, eating or getting ready for bed.

A practical first week checklist

Name the belongings the school asks your child to bring.
Send spare clothes if requested and tell your child where they are.
Make sure the school has current medical information, emergency contacts and any important support information.
Check the collection arrangements each day, especially if somebody different is picking up.
Read school messages and put dates straight into your calendar before they vanish into the part of your brain where non uniform days go to hide.
Keep an easy snack and drink ready for collection.
Build in more rest than you think they will need.

If drop off continues to feel difficult

Some children need more time and a more detailed plan. Speak to the teacher rather than trying to solve it alone at the gate. Ask what happens after you leave, what seems to help and whether the same member of staff can meet your child for a while.

If your child is becoming increasingly distressed, is not settling once inside or you are worried about their wellbeing, keep talking to the school. Reassurance and patience matter, but difficulties deserve attention too.

And finally, for you

You may feel proud, relieved, sad, excited or a slightly confusing mixture of all four. You may spend the first morning looking at the clock and wondering whether 9.17am is too early to start waiting for pick up.

Starting school is a big change for the whole family. You do not have to handle it perfectly. Prepare the practical things you can, keep the goodbye clear and give everyone a little more gentleness while the new routine settles around you.

Rachel x

More in this series: Part 1: Starting Reception: The Practical Skills Worth Practising Before School | Part 2: Starting Reception: Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready

Further information: Department for Education guidance | Starting Reception guidance for families

Starting Reception Part 2- Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready

183:836336222 (Helen Meredith) — Mon, 19 Aug 2024 07:29:23 GMT

Starting Reception - Part 2 - Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready

Starting Reception brings a lot of change. Even if your child has been at nursery or preschool for years, school can still feel very different. There are new adults, new routines, a busier environment and a whole class of children working out where the toilets are at the same time.

Some children will be counting down the sleeps and marching towards the gate with barely a backwards glance. Others will feel unsure, ask the same question seventeen times or suddenly announce that they have changed their mind about the entire thing. Many will move between excitement and worry, sometimes within the same conversation.

All of those responses are understandable. Emotional readiness is not about making every wobble disappear. It is about helping your child build a picture of what is coming, giving them ways to show how they feel and reminding them that the adults around them will help.

Talk about school, but let them lead sometimes

It can be tempting to mention school in every other sentence once the uniform arrives. Try to keep the conversation open without making it the only subject in the house.

Simple, factual chats are often best. You might talk about who will take them, where you will say goodbye, what happens at lunchtime and who will collect them. If you do not know something, it is fine to say that you will find out. Try not to promise exact details unless the school has confirmed them, because routines can change.

Open questions can help, but not every child wants to discuss their feelings on demand. Instead of repeatedly asking ‘Are you worried?’, you could try ‘What are you wondering about?’ or ‘Is there anything about school you want me to find out?’ You may get a thoughtful answer. You may also get a detailed explanation about why a stegosaurus would be a poor choice of class pet. Both are conversation.

Make the unfamiliar a little more familiar

Look at any photos, videos or transition information the school has shared. Find their teacher’s name, look at the classroom and talk about things they recognise, such as the book corner, playground or lunch hall.

Walking past the school or practising the journey can help them understand where they will be going. Point out where you expect to enter and where you will meet them afterwards, if you know. The aim is not to rehearse every possible moment. It is simply to give their brain a few familiar landmarks.

Use play if it feels natural

Playing schools with toys can be a useful way for children to explore what they think might happen. They can take the register, teach the class, organise snack time or send everyone outside because a teddy has made an unfortunate mess on the carpet.

Role play often reveals the questions children have not asked directly. But if role play makes your toes curl, you do not need to force it. A chat while drawing, walking or building something together can work just as well.

Use a countdown carefully

A paper chain or simple calendar can help a child who wants to know when school begins. Keep it short enough to make sense to them and include other events they care about too. A six week countdown may be exciting for one child and feel like a very long flashing warning sign to another, so follow their lead.

Help them name what they need

Talk about the adults at school as people they can go to when they need something. Practise a few useful messages, such as ‘I need the toilet’, ‘Can you help me?’, ‘I don’t know where to go’ or ‘I miss my grown up’.

They do not need to deliver these in a loud, confident voice. Asking for help might mean words, a sign, a gesture, pointing or showing an adult what is wrong. The important thing is that your child knows they are allowed to need help and that the staff are there to give it.

Practise small, predictable separations

If your child has had very little time away from you, short separations with a trusted adult can help them experience the full pattern: you say goodbye, they are cared for and you come back. Keep the plan clear and do what you said you would do.

You can also decide on a simple goodbye routine before the first day. Perhaps a cuddle, a kiss and one familiar phrase. Repetition can make a new moment feel safer because they know what comes next.

Share what helps your child with the school

Getting ready for Reception is not all the child’s responsibility. Schools are also getting ready to welcome a new group of children, and useful information from families helps them do that well.

Tell the teacher about your child’s interests, strengths and the things that help them settle. Mention anything important about how they ask for help, what they may find difficult or what usually reassures them. It does not need to be a formal report. A few specific details can help a teacher connect with them and understand what they are trying to communicate.

Make room for mixed feelings, including yours

You do not have to pretend that starting school is nothing but wonderful. You can say, ‘It feels exciting and a bit strange because it is new’ or ‘You might miss me, and your teacher will help you until I come back.’ That is reassuring without promising they will love every minute.

It is also completely understandable if you feel emotional. Your child seeing a tear does not mean you have ruined the transition. The important thing is that they are not made responsible for looking after your feelings. You can be warm and real while still making it clear that the adults know what is happening and will look after them.

If settling takes time

Some children settle quickly. Some need longer. A child crying at drop off, seeming tired, becoming clingier or having more big feelings at home does not automatically mean school is going badly. Starting Reception asks a lot of a four or five year old.

Stay in touch with the teacher and share what you are noticing. If your child is struggling, ask what staff see after you leave and agree a consistent plan together. Reassurance is helpful, but so is acknowledging when something feels hard and making sure the right support is around them.

You are not preparing them for a performance

Your child does not need to arrive fearless, independent and ready to tell a room full of strangers their life story. They need to know a little about what is coming, who can help and that you will still be there at the end of the day.

That quiet sense of being supported matters far more than a perfectly confident first day photo.

Rachel x

More in this series: Previous: Starting Reception - Part 1: The Skills Actually Worth Practising Before School | Next: Starting Reception - Part 3 - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips

Further information: Department for Education guidance | Starting Reception guidance for families

Starting Reception Part 1- The Skills Actually Worth Practising Before School.

183:836336222 (Helen Meredith) — Sat, 27 Jul 2024 08:16:48 GMT

Starting Reception - Part 1 - The Skills Actually Worth Practising Before School

Welcome to our Starting Reception series, full of practical ideas and reassuring advice to help you and your child feel more prepared for the transition to school.

Starting school is a huge milestone. It can feel exciting, emotional and slightly baffling when the child who still needs help finding the shoes that are right in front of them is suddenly expected to manage a book bag, a coat and a classroom full of new routines.

I’m Rachel. Alongside teaching classes for The Mummas Village and running after my own two boys, I’m a qualified Early Years Teacher, so I’ve seen this transition from both sides of the classroom door.

The first thing I want to say is that getting ready for Reception is not about turning the summer into a training programme. Your child does not need to read, write or know their number bonds before they arrive. The everyday things you already do together, chatting, reading stories, playing, getting outside and letting them help with small jobs, are all supporting the skills they will use at school.

There are, however, a few practical skills that can make the early weeks feel easier. A Reception classroom is busy, and children often need to manage more for themselves than they do at home. Think of these as useful things to practise, not a checklist they must complete.

The practical skills worth practising:

Using the toilet as independently as they can. This might include managing their clothes, wiping where possible, flushing and washing their hands.

Getting dressed and undressed with less help, including putting on their coat, shoes and socks and having a go at zips or other fastenings.

Opening and closing the things they will use, such as their water bottle, lunch box or snack pot.

Using cutlery and drinking from the type of cup or bottle their school asks them to bring.

Keeping track of simple belongings, putting things into their bag and carrying it when they are able.

Recognising their written name so they can spot their peg, tray, jumper or book bag.

Listening to a short story or simple instruction for a little while.

Showing an adult when they need help, whether that is saying it, pointing, using a gesture or another way they already communicate.

Taking turns in play and beginning to wait for a turn, even when waiting is deeply inconvenient because they wanted the red car immediately.

Not every child will be able to do all of these things before starting school. That does not mean they are not ready, or that they do not belong in Reception. Children develop at different rates. If there is something your child finds difficult, tell the school what they can manage and what support is helpful.

Practise through ordinary life

You do not need special resources or a colour coded timetable. Most of this can be woven into family life in small doses, ideally when nobody is already late and trying to leave the house.

Getting dressed

Let them have a go at choosing and putting on an outfit, then help only with the bits they genuinely need. You could turn it into a race with you, a teddy or a sibling, although I would avoid doing this five minutes before an appointment unless you enjoy living dangerously.

Trying on school uniform before the first day can help it feel familiar. Show them any fiddly buttons, where labels are and how to turn sleeves the right way round. Shoes that fasten simply are much easier for children to manage than beautiful ones that require an engineering qualification.

Food, drink and belongings

Ask your child to open their own water bottle or lunch box at home and practise putting everything back inside. Give them small jobs such as carrying their bag, finding their coat or packing a spare item. These ordinary routines help them learn what belongs to them and where it goes.

Name everything the school asks you to send in, including the items you cannot imagine anyone losing. Children are remarkably committed to proving us wrong on this.

Listening and following instructions

Games such as Simon Says are a simple way to practise listening. Start with one clear instruction, then try two linked steps if that feels manageable. Helping to cook, set the table or tidy toys also gives children a reason to listen and act without it feeling like a lesson.

Reception children are still very young. Being able to focus for a short time is useful. Sitting perfectly still for long periods is not the goal.

Recognising their name

They do not need to be able to write their name before school, but recognising its overall shape can be helpful. Write family names on separate pieces of paper and see if they can find theirs, spot it on labels or make it with magnetic letters. Keep it playful and stop when they have had enough.

Asking for help

This one deserves more attention than it often gets. Children need to know that the adults at school are there to help them. Talk about the things they might need help with and practise simple messages such as ‘I need the toilet’, ‘I don’t understand’, ‘I’ve lost my jumper’ or ‘I’m upset’.

If your child communicates in another way, help them practise showing a trusted adult what they need. You can also tell the school how they are most likely to ask for help, especially if they become quiet when they are unsure.

Building the muscles they will use for writing

There is no need to spend the summer correcting their pencil grip. Climbing, throwing, playdough, building with bricks, painting with water, drawing big shapes, cutting and sticking all help develop the strength and control that writing will eventually need.

If they are interested in letters and numbers, follow that interest through play. Count steps, spot numbers on doors, look for the first letter of their name or make a pretend shop. If they are not interested yet, that is fine too. Reception is where teachers will begin teaching these skills in a way that builds from where each child is.

Turn taking

We often tell children they must share, when what we really need them to learn is how to take turns and cope with waiting. Practise with simple games and useful phrases such as ‘I’m using this now, then you can have a turn’ or ‘Can I have a turn when you’re finished?’

That is more realistic than expecting a four year old to cheerfully hand over the toy they have just found, and it gives them words they can actually use in the classroom.

The part that matters most

The aim is not to send a perfectly polished child through the school gate. It is to help your child grow a little more confident with the ordinary parts of their day and to know that they can ask for help when something feels difficult.

Choose one or two things that would genuinely make life easier for them and practise those in small, low pressure ways. You do not need to squeeze a whole Reception readiness curriculum into the final weeks of summer. There will still be lost jumpers, inside out sleeves and water bottles that apparently require the strength of ten adults. That is all part of it.

Rachel x

More in this series: Starting Reception Part 2 - Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready | Starting Reception Part 3 - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips

Further information: Department for Education guidance | Starting Reception guidance for families

Child Development - Visual Tracking

Fri, 31 May 2024 16:45:07 GMT

Child Development - Visual Tracking

What is it? Visual tacking is a fine motor skill that allows us to focus our eyes on objects which are still or moving. When a baby is born they can only see approx 6 inches clearly, which is about the distance from their parents chest to face, so that they can see us whilst feeding. Anything past that 6 inches is a blur. They can only see in black and white with some shades of grey to start with.

Between 2 and 4 months your baby will be able to see more colours, starting with red and their vision will extend and shapes will become more defined.

A baby’s vision improves and changes significant changes during the first year. Key stages in that development are:

Newborns (0-1 month) :

At birth, babies are sensitive to bright light so their pupils are small to limit the light entering the eye.
They can see objects that are near them using peripheral (side) vision, but their central vision is still developing.
Within the first few weeks, the retinas mature and the pupils widen, allowing them to see light and dark shades and patterns.

2 to 4 months :

As the eyes development they may not develop at the same rate and may not work together so it is normal for them to occasionally cross or wander in opposite directions!
At about 2 months old, they can follow a moving object with their eyes.
By 3 months, they might be starting to reach out a fisted hand to hit an object.

5 to 8 months :

By 5 months their depth perception (the ability to judge distances) develops.
They start to see the world in three dimensions.
They can now recognise their parents across a room.
They are seeing in much more colour, though not as vividly as an adult yet.
Babies can see objects outside when looking through a window.

8 to 12 months:

Baby can focus on fast moving objects.
Baby can grab a moving object as their hand – eye co-ordination improves.
By 12 months baby’s vision is similar to an adults.

Why does it matter? Visual tracking is important because it allows children to see moving objects, scan their environment for information, aids gross and fine motor skills and hand – eye co ordination and helps to accurately shift gaze from one object to another.

Being able to visual track an item will help with reading, writing and skills such as catching a ball or seeking out a face in a crowd.

Other areas of your baby’s development that are linked to visual tracking include:

Visual Fixation – maintaining a gaze on a target.
Vestibular System – Sense of balance and movement that helps control eye movements.
Attention Skills – Ability to sustain focus and concentration on one thing.
Midline Crossing – Ability to cross the imaginary line dividing the two sides of the body with the eyes.

How can we help? We do lots of work on visual tracking in our classes, right from baby massage with happy sun hands high and low, adding in instruments, props and more sensory items as your baby gets bigger.

There are visual tracking games you can play at home with your baby to encourage their visual skills!

When baby is in a good mood and happy to play laying them down or letting them sit up depending on their age, take a brightly coloured scarf or muslin or a toy and move it from side to side.

Start slowly with little ones and move the item to the side and up and down until they reach the limit of their sight and can no longer follow. Instruments are great to use as well as it encourages them to listen as well as see.

As they get bigger move the object forward and backwards too and touch the object to their hand so that they start to reach out for it.

If they do reach and grab the object try to let them hold it so that they get the satisfaction of grabbing the object.

Keep it simple and fun!

In class we are very used to seeing little babies in massage only just manage to follow their parents wiggly finger moving up and down or a chiffon moving about above them, as we move to Sensory Song and Stretch they start off working really hard to follow any item. They are often distracted by faces and want to smile and socialise. Within a few weeks seeing them track an item, then start to reach and grab the item is glorious! Our classes are all about progression and working with your baby’s developmental abilities whilst encouraging them to practice these all important skills and seeing them grow and change and achieve these little milestones is an absolute honour!

Child Development - Inhibitory Control

Wed, 22 May 2024 18:52:34 GMT

Child Development - Inhibitory Control

What is it? The Inhibitory control system is a core executive function. It involves controlling our automatic urges (attention, behaviour, thoughts, and emotions) by pausing, then using attention and reasoning to respond appropriately. Inhibitory control involves our ability to think before we react.

In babies and toddlers stimulating the inhibitory control system in a playful way aids this systems development and your child’s understanding of the physical PAUSE before continuing.

This will benefit them with impulse control, conversation flow, physical safety of when to STOP (i.e by a road) and emotional responses. The part of your child’s brain which deals with inhibitory control grows and develops rapidly through early childhood so playing fun games that help with system to development when your child is young is hugely beneficial to them.

Why does it matter? Studies have shown that “Children who had better inhibitory control abilities were more likely to have better social skills and less internalizing behaviors (Liu et al., 2018)”. Also, inhibitory control abilities seem to be related to both math and literacy skills in young children.

How can we help? There are various ways you can play with your child to aid this development:

Physical movement and STOP – with little babies gently wiggle their legs or pat their tummy or bottom before saying a clear STOP and immediately stopping the action. With toddlers jump up and down or run around the room before you STOP!

Moving a toy/ instrument and STOP – Wiggle a soft toy or shake a maraca, getting your little one engaged. If they are toddlers get them to hold a toy or instrument and copy you. After a few moments say a clear STOP and immediately stop the action.

Wiggle a chiffon/ muslin/ scarf and STOP – Using a brightly coloured chiffon, muslin (www.ettaloves.com do stunning sensory muslins which would be ideal!) or scarf wiggle the fabric or move it up and down. Once your little one is engaged in the item say a clear STOP and immediately stop the item moving. Again if working with a toddler give them their own scarf or chiffon to copy you.

Singing and STOP – Sing your little ones favourite song and at the end say a clear STOP and be silent for a moment.

Dancing and STOP – This is great for toddlers or babies who love to boogie! Dance around with your little one and after a few moments of dance say a clear STOP and everyone freeze, like musical statues!

With toddlers you will soon start to notice them trying the STOP during an activity, wherever you can follow their instructions and STOP, this will bring them huge delight and confirm their understanding of the action.

We do lots of inhibitory control in our class and the babies and toddler respond so quickly! I love when a baby or toddler initiates a STOP and is so chuffed with themselves when the whole class freezes!

Reusable Nappy Week 2024

183:836336222 (Helen Meredith) — Sun, 21 Apr 2024 21:32:02 GMT

Re-usable Nappies……Where Do I Start?

I first looked into reusable nappies in 2018, when my first born was 6 months old. I had thought about reusables prior to having children but when he arrived I just went with disposables, I think I was more excited about having a new baby than anything else!

At 6 months, on Instagram, I saw an advert and it reminded me of my original interest. A cute fluffy cloth bum can do that to you! I had no idea where to start though!!!! We had no nappy library near to us, so I was doing mainly research online and stumbled across a brand, bought a starter kit and hoped for the best.

It wasn’t great. The nappies were good but I had no idea about boosters, how to secure the nappy and fix it, even how to wash! Subsequently we had so many leaks, I just put them back in the box.

Only a few weeks later- I found out I was pregnant with my second child. We had moved area a couple months prior to finding out I was expecting, to Essex (where my husband is from) and luckily found a reusable nappy library and expert!

She came to our house as part of her service and stayed with us for a few hours talking about all the types of nappies available (two parters, wraps, pockets, all in one) and the difference in materials- microfibre, bamboo etc and spoke very anecdotally too. She had a load to feel and try (on a doll) and did offer a hire service. Instead, we got out my old stash I had bought for my son, and made a vow to give it another go with what we had.

When my daughter arrived the following spring, we went into it with a mix of reusable and disposable to get us used to it, and to process mistakes and make improvements if we needed. We could also try a nappy at a time and build up our stash from there. As you can see from the pictures of my tiny newborn, getting the fit right was a struggle!! But if at first you don’t succeed….

For me, pocket nappies stashed with boosters is my favourite nappy to use, and I prefer poppers to velcros but this is completely personal! That’s why it’s important to just try as many styles as you can, either through a library or checking marketplaces and Vinted. If you are lucky to have a voucher incentive that’s an additional bonus!!

I’m now using reusables with my youngest daughter, who was born in October 2022. We still have the odd leak but my confidence (and collection!!) has soared and I’m so proud of my little cloth bum babe.

My top tips are;

�� hire nappies (from a library) or buy preloved (Facebook and Vinted) to try different styles of nappy (if you aren’t lucky to get the voucher incentive)

�� you can also use groups on Facebook and social media for ideas (clothbumz UK is a good one)

�� with disposable nappies you flare out the tabs around the bum- DONT do this with cloth. In fact, tuck it in (this prevents leaks)

�� grab a bucket or fabric pail to put dirty nappies in at home by your washing machine (this will prevent smells)

�� similarly don’t forget a wet bag for nappies when out and about!

Heidi Trask - Mum of 3

Attends The Mummas Village classes in Godalming

National Adoption Week - Ellie's Story

Fri, 17 Nov 2023 12:47:23 GMT

Ellie's Story

NATIONAL ADOPTION WEEK 2023

A The Mummas Village we have had many adoptive families in our classes, people choose to adopt for many different reasons and we feel it is a privilege to be a part of any families journey.

We reached out to our community to share a story of adoption with you this week and when one of our mums came forward to share the story of how she was adopted we thought that was the most wonderful story to tell.

If you are considering adoption, if you have adopted and you wonder what your child will think of it all when they are older, please ready Ellie's story. It is glorious!

Thank you so much for sharing with us Ellie x

"When I was 24 hours old, my luck changed for the better. The person who gave birth to me decided before I was born that she was not the Mum for me. She already had an 18 month old and was a single parent, she hid the pregnancy from her family, presumably because she didn’t think they would understand.

I’ve never felt anger or hurt for this decision, instead enormous gratitude that she loved me enough to know I was not meant for her.

At the same time my parents, who already had a 3 year old, were waiting for a phone call to hear that their family would be completed. The story goes that when they went to pick me up and saw me in the cot, my sister looked around in disappointment and said ‘is she the only one left?’ having thought it would be a toys 'r' us type situation with rows of babies she could choose from!

Growing up as an adopted person does create a few tricky moments. People often asked why me and my sister don’t look alike, and the meaner children in the playground would tell me I wasn’t wanted and was a mistake, after I divulged my secret identity, thinking it was a source of intrigue rather than ridicule.

That night I ran to my dad in tears and told him what they’d said, he responded ‘Ellie, we spent hours filling out forms and waiting nervously by the phone for you and your sister, no one has ever wanted two babies more’.

People often say me and my dad are similar, I am the case in point of nature vs nurture having picked up my dads mannerisms whilst my red hair acts as a beacon for my biological family.

Being adopted and a mother is quite the pickle. I am so lucky that my move to Godalming meant I was in close proximity to cousins and aunts/uncles from my biological family who I'd discovered whilst at university.

I did go to uni in the city I was born in and naturally thought anyone who I met with red hair had to be a relation, but it was actually Facebook that meant they found me and I found them.

I’m so excited that my two children have my own family and also my ‘magic’ family, as I like to refer to the biological team. They will have questions but for now I see my adoption as a source of additional love and support for them and for me as I tackle the turbulent period of raising a 3 year old and a baby.

For anyone reading this in our Mummas Village community who has adopted and wants to chat about navigating the tricky waters of ‘telling’ a child, I am always happy to chat. I was never ‘told’ my parents read me a storybook that explained so it’s always been a part of me.

I will always thank my lucky stars that my family are my own. There is a beautiful poem which best sums it up that my mum read to me:

Not the flesh of my flesh, nor the bone of my bone but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute, You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2023 - Rachel's Story

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 23:25:53 GMT

Baby Loss Awareness Week - Rachel's story

"I fell pregnant with my first son very easily and looking back, I was lucky to have had a straightforward pregnancy and then a somewhat trickier birth, but all in all, Teddy’s was a very positive story.

When he had just turned 2, we decided that it was time to think about trying for a second baby. Again, we fell pregnant in the first month and began to feel very excited about having two summer babies.

I had many of the same symptoms as I had done with Teddy, but there were also some little niggles and worries this time and I almost seemed to sense something wasn’t right. I called the pregnancy advice line a couple of times with questions and they assured me that if I had positive tests then it was a great indicator, but the lines seemed too faint to me. I couldn’t shake my concerns and worries, then began to fear it was an ectopic pregnancy or something was wrong and so I went to A&E.

I had to go in my own because we had no one to look after Teddy and I can still recall the loneliness and fear I felt as I walked through those doors. The staff who looked after me were incredible. They found me a quiet place to wait away from everyone else and came to check on me frequently while I waited. Eventually I went through to a bed and had bloods taken and they took my urine sample. I lay there with my fingers crossed, clutching my little bag of umpteen pregnancy tests and prayed. Sometime later a doctor appeared to do an ultrasound. He looked for ages and then turned to me and said he couldn’t see a heartbeat. Then he said my levels in my tests were so low that he thought I was probably going to lose this baby.

I felt numb. Tears slowly dripped down my cheeks. As it was the weekend, there were no specialists there and they needed the bed so I was moved to a chair in another quiet place to wait for some more information. Then I drove myself home.

The next morning I felt the cramps and saw the blood. It was nothing like period pains. These felt like contractions. The hospital had said to come back if I started miscarrying, but I didn’t want to be on my own there. I stayed at home and lay on the sofa and cried. We called our parents and sobbing, shared that our joy from the last calls about this pregnancy was no more.

Those days that followed were a blur. The bleeding and cramps were almost a comfort as they were the connection to our pregnancy and made it still real. I felt another wave of grief when they ended because that little, much loved baby really was no more. My emotions were all over the place. I felt grief, pain, anger, disappointment and failure.

I will never forget the people who held me up literally and metaphorically in those darkest of days. Those people who heard what I needed and were there without question. Thank you will never be enough.

Something that I found really comforting in the weeks and months that followed, even to this day really, was having something tangible that would commemorate our baby. I have a little red woollen heart, small enough to fit in the palm of my hand or in my pocket and I hold that and think of my baby. It’s a cliche too, but time does heal. As time passed, I found when I thought of our baby, I pictured them at the beach on a beautiful sunny and warm day. They’re standing at the water’s edge with their back to me, paddling and watching the waves. When I close my eyes and picture the scene, there’s an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness which brings comfort to me.

Whenever we go to the beach I walk to the water and talk to my baby and let them know I’m thinking of them and I always take a photo of the sea, my way of taking a photo of them. It brings me so much comfort.

We were then lucky enough to fall pregnant again. Throughout that pregnancy I was so anxious, so fearful of something going wrong. I didn’t relax and enjoy it. Getting to every milestone - an early scan, 12 week scan, 20 week scan, 24 week viability, feeling them move and then reaching full term at 37 weeks - gave some more reassurance, but I don’t think until I held Rupert in my arms that I truly believed he was going to be here and ok.

Miscarriage changed me. I will always wonder who that little baby, our little Poppet, would be and what they would be like. I adore Rupert and feel so unbelievably happy he is here, but we’ll always think of that baby who wasn’t able to stay with love and sadness.

I have 2 babies here in my arms and another held forever in my heart"

A NEW SIBLING

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 23:03:28 GMT

The arrival of a new sibling can be such an overwhelming time for a little person, I wanted to share some of my top tips with you:-

�� - When you are pregnant don't blame not being unable to do things on the baby.

"I can't carry you because of the baby in my tummy" or "I can't play on the floor because of the baby" can lead the older child to resenting their new sibling before they have even arrived! Baby is ruining all the things to love to do with mummy!

Instead just say its too difficult for you "I can't pick you up right now as my back is sore, how about we hold hands instead?" or "I wont' be able to get back up if I sit on the floor, how about we put the train set on the table today"

✨ - When the older child meets their new sibling for the first time make sure that its not mummy who is holding the baby. Whether you are in hospital or at home either pop the baby in their crib or leave them in the car seat for a few moments and greet your older child with free, open arms to give them the giant hugs you have no doubt both been missing with a bump in the way!

�� - Get the older child a gift from the new baby, something you think they will really love and be excited about and take them shopping to buy a gift for their new baby when it arrives. Let them pick a special new cuddly toy or the home from hospital outfit.

�� - When feeding the new baby just as you would set yourself up with a drink, snack, phone and remote control in easy reach ready for those epic newborn feeding session, ensure you do the same for the older child. So have a drink, snack, game, potty, ipad/tablet, peppa pig on loop ready to go before you sit down.

�� - Even the most chilled out, calm little people can struggle with the arrival of a new baby in the home. I've heard bringing a new baby home compared to your partner bringing a third person in to your relationship and telling you "its ok, I love you both the same!", its tough going for your older child! Give them time, cuddle them and kiss them and tell them how much you love them ALL THE TIME! Its total normal to have regression of potty training, sleeping, feeding themselves, anything really! They may crave being the baby again. Be patient, it will pass.

�� - Show the older child photos and videos of them as a baby. The won't remember that time so tell them all about how they spent all day snuggled on your chest and how much fun you had together getting to know one another. Tell them about the time when it was just the 2 of you and how special and magical that was and how much they compare or differ to their sibling. Then tell them all about the future fun they will have with their sibling and let them take photos of their new baby too.

�� - Its a big change for them and you, but I promise it is worth it! The love you have in your heart now doesn't need to be shared or divided. When the new baby arrives they bring with them a whole heap of new love for the family x

Steph Standing

Co-Founder & Director

The Mummas Village Limited

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2023 - Emma's Story

Sat, 14 Oct 2023 19:11:45 GMT

Baby Loss Awareness 2023 - Emma's story

I first fell pregnant in February 2016. We had an early reassurance scan and everything was looking great and there was a strong, beautiful heartbeat flickering on the scene.

Then, when I was about 9 weeks I had some bleeding. We went to the early pregnancy unit and were told we were miscarrying. It was a Friday and they had no doctor available so I was asked to come back in on Monday. That was the longest weekend and I longed to be told on the Monday there had been some mistake.

Back at the hospital I had two pessaries inserted which would kick start contractions and I would pass the baby. I was sent home with some painkillers and within a few hours I was miscarrying. The pain was indescribable and the finality of it was hard to bare.

My husband and I tried again to fall pregnant a few months later but to no avail. After about a year we went to see a specialist and after various tests we undertook a round of IVF.

We were very lucky to fall pregnant on our first go. I was incredibly anxious something was going to go wrong though. I bled on and off for the first 20 weeks but the doctors kept reassuring me that our little girl was doing just fine.

Then the unthinkable happened and I went into labour at 23 weeks. Our beautiful daughter Phoebe was born on January 15th 2019. She was only 525grams and we honestly didn’t know if she was would survive the night. The NICU team were incredible and managed to stabilise her but Phoebe was very unwell. I stayed by her incubator constantly and slept in a chair next to her, listening to the sounds of all the machines that were keeping her alive. When she was 4 weeks old she had to move hospital to have an operation and she was given a 50% chance of surviving it.

But she did and she started to thrive. However, just short of 6 weeks old she took a turn for the worse. We didn’t want her to suffer and when I looked at her I could almost feel her tell me she was tired and had had enough. She fought so hard and as her parents we were faced with an impossible decision. We decided to move her to the children’s hospice near us. We held her in our arms, sang songs, read her stories until she took her last breath in my arms.

My beautiful, determined, strong little girl was gone and my heart was shattered.

There were some very dark days that followed. I couldn’t see any light and I wondered what my life would look like now. We were parents but with no child and the path that followed was painful and hard.

However, about 6 months after she died we decided to try again and did a further round of IVF. We fell pregnant but sadly miscarried at around 6 weeks.

We had two more embryos in the freezer and had them both transferred. They both implanted and we found out at 6 weeks we were pregnant with twins. We were shocked and delighted but again the anxiety was crippling.

Phoebe was never far from my thoughts and I knew I couldn’t go through that again. Everything was going well until I bled at 8 weeks. The hospital told me we were miscarrying one of the twins and I passed them in the hospital toilet. It was horrendous and the blood loss was huge. The doctors told me there was a strong possibility that I may lose the other baby and I was put on strict bed rest.

At around 18 weeks I had a cervical stitch put in to try and eliminate the possibility of a premature birth. It went well and the doctors were pleased.

However a few weeks later I started contracting. I was rushed into the hospital and experienced the worst pain I have ever felt. I was contracting with a stitched cervix and our little boy, Harry, ripped through it when he was born. He was too small and too early to survive. I was numb and in shock but rushed straight into surgery due to my cervix being ripped and the huge blood loss. I had a spinal tap so was numb but awake. I had 4 blood transfusions and adrenaline pumped through a vein in my neck to keep my heart pumping. It was terrifying and as the room filled with more doctors with concerned looks on their faces, I genuinely thought I would die.

Out of theatre I was wheeled into the exact room I had given birth to Phoebe and there was my husband, white as a sheet, cradling our little boy. We spent the night with him in the bereavement suite and then once again we left hospital without our baby.

At this point I believed I would never have another child. It seemed like an impossible dream and due to the damage to my cervix from Harry’s birth I was told I wouldn’t be able to carry another baby.

My husband and I talked endlessly about what to do and we ended up getting in touch with a surrogacy agency. They were amazing and we were put in touch with an incredible surrogate. My husband had his sperm collected and I had my eggs collected and two beautiful embryos were created and were placed inside our surrogate.

9 months later, my twin boys, Ollie and Arthur were born. By some miracle our dream had been fulfilled and we now have two very happy, active little 18month old boys at home.

Arthur looks so like Phoebe and we talk about their big sister and brother all the time. Parenting after loss isn’t easy. It’s a club no one wants to belong to but so many do. Baby loss can affect anyone.

The loss of Phoebe and Harry is with me everyday. I miss them immensely and there are still some very dark days when the grief is overwhelming but there are happier days too.

I’ve learnt it’s ok to smile and it’s ok to allow yourself to be happy again. Phoebe and Harry may not be with me but they are my children too. They are loved beyond measure and it’s so important for me to say their names. They were here, they existed, they are so loved and they are never forgotten.

Baby Loss Awareness 2023 - Sophia's Story

183:836336222 (Helen Meredith) — Wed, 11 Oct 2023 18:06:00 GMT

Ellie shares her beautiful daughter Sophia:

I want to tell you about my perfect baby girl, Sophia.

In 2019, my husband (Nik) and I discovered that I was finally pregnant with our first baby. In truth, we had only been trying to conceive for about 5 months, but, as we were both so desperate to start the next stage of our lives and have a family, it felt like it was so long in coming.

My pregnancy was absolutely great – I was so well and happy and didn’t have any morning sickness (sorry if you did, I’m really not trying to gloat) or any problems at all. Looking back, it seemed to glide by and before I knew it, we were planning a little pre-baby moon just before my birthday to go to Salzburg for the Christmas markets. We had a scan scheduled and so we booked to see the consultant as well to get a letter to say I was safe to fly, as I was at 28 weeks. Everything was fine and I got my letter to fly as we were going to leave the following weekend. The next day was pretty normal. I even popped into Mothercare after work to start to get some baby grows and blankets together as we hadn’t really bought anything up to that point. The day after that was the day when my happy perfect world started to unravel.

I was cooking dinner after work when I felt something odd. I actually thought the weight of the baby was making me become a bit incontinent (sorry for the over sharing, but we’ve all been there, right?) The trickle kept coming and so I explained what was happening to Nik who had just got back from work. We laughed a little at the thought of my having a little wee in my pants! We ate dinner and then I started to get really concerned as it wouldn’t stop. We rushed down to Royal Surrey and were put in the waiting room. The time went by so slowly and by the time they called me round to the ward my jeans were soaking. I was assessed and the midwife told me that it was likely that my waters had broken – I was at 28 and 3 days.

At first, I panicked and had a million thoughts going through my head. Then I remembered the last antenatal class we had been to where we learnt that water breaking prematurely didn’t necessarily mean that you would go into labour and have your baby early. I kept holding onto to that fact whilst I was hooked up and monitored to check for signs of labour.

This last glimmer of hope faded away as the tachograph started to show tightening. The decision was made to transfer me to St Peter’s Hospital, as Royal Surrey is not equipped to handle birth before 32 weeks. At around 3am, the ambulance arrived to pick me up. The night was so black, and the rain was like a monsoon. Nik followed behind in the car.

Once at St Peter’s I was put into a 4-bed pre-labour ward. There were already 3 other ladies in there, so we tried not to wake them up as I arrived. Nik eventually found me about an hour later as he had had no idea where they had taken me. The midwives continued to monitor my contractions, but I still couldn’t feel them. It wasn’t until about 9am that I started to feel the pain, and it was obvious that our baby was going to arrive today.

As I was now 28 plus 4, it was clear that our tiny baby was going to need to be cared for by NICU. We were invited to go and see the NICU before my labour got too far on, but I couldn’t get there due to problems with my cannulas. The contractions suddenly got so strong that we had to go to the delivery suite. I tried to get out of bed and walk there, but I couldn’t stand up. I was wheeled round in a wheelchair, and I just remember thinking, “Oh God, how has this happened, what has gone so wrong, everything was going so well”. I was completely petrified.

My labour wasn’t too long, only from about 11am until about 4pm, although at the time, it felt like about 30 minutes – I think it may have been to do with the gas and air! Things started to get bad quickly and although fully dilated, my baby just wasn’t coming. Decelerations were observed in her heart rate, and the decision was made to rush me into surgery for an emergency c-section. There was no time for an epidural and so it had to be a general anaesthetic. I’ll never forget being pushed through the cleared corridor and down to the double doors in the bed, with all the rush and panic that was running through me. The double doors opened, and I cried “I love you” to Nik who had to wait helplessly and watch me be taken into surgery.

The panic continued in the operating theatre. It seemed to take forever for them to get me ready. I remember they kept asking me if I had jewellery on, and I kept telling them “No, no, no”. Then they realised that I had wire in my underwired bra. I just remembered saying, “just cut it off, just cut it” as somewhere in the background a loud anxious voice kept saying “quick, quick, we have to go quick”. I felt a tipping sensation and felt like I was falling off the bed, and then that’s where my memory ends.

The c-section was not routine. I subsequently learnt all of the details that happened whilst I was out. My baby was so far down as I had been pushing so hard that she was stuck in my pelvis. A lot of force had to be used to pull her out. She wasn’t breathing. She had to be resuscitated twice, and eventually she started to breath and was whisked straight away in an incubator to NICU.

I opened my eyes and saw Nik sitting next to me. My brain was foggy and then Nik said, she’s here, she’s a girl. I looked round the room, but she wasn’t there. Nik explained that she was up in NICU, he’d seen her, and she is perfect and beautiful. I had to wait some time until I could see her as I was recovering from the anaesthetic – it seemed like forever, knowing she was here, but wasn’t with me in my arms. Complete torture.

Eventually a midwife came with a wheelchair and asked if I wanted to go and see my baby. I almost jumped out of the bed, and then realised I had just had surgery.

Entering the NICU for the first time was a strange, surreal, and upsetting experience. We were taken into Nursery 1 and washed our hands. I was desperately looking round trying to figure out which one of the 8 incubators my baby was in. She was by the window. As we got closer, I saw her – tiny, bruised, swollen, so many wires and lines, but the most perfect and beautiful sight ever. I couldn’t believe she was here; she was a girl; I was a Mum. The tears didn’t flow at first. The NICU nurse said, “it’s ok, you can touch her, she’s yours”. I put my hands inside the warm incubator and felt her tiny head and body as the machines around us dinged and beeped – then the tears came.

We stayed with her for as long as we could, but due to my surgery, I had to go back down to the ward, take some more painkillers and get settled down for the night. The next day we went straight up to the NICU as soon as we could to be with her. I remember Nik and I sitting next to her and looking at each other and saying, “She’s Sophia”, we had always loved that name and it was so completely perfect for her.

Sophia’s situation didn’t seem to be improving. Our consultant, Tracey, arranged a meeting with us, and we were taken to a tiny little room. All Sophia’s nurses came as well, and so we were all cramped into the little room, with the nurses sitting around on the floor. Tracey went through all of Sophia’s problems – many of which were not as worrying, her heart, her lungs, but the one that didn’t seem to be getting any better was her kidneys. “They need to kick start and start working in order for her to be able to get rid of waste products from her body” – Tracey didn’t sugar-coat anything, but in a way, I appreciated that as it was easy to understand. “How long do you give it before they aren’t going to “kick-start”” – I couldn’t believe I was asking this question as they words came out of my mouth. “One week”, the stark answer came back. My head was spinning, I couldn’t believe that my beautiful baby girl had a one-week sentence on her.

We spent the rest of the day by her bedside, helplessly hoping for a miracle. I still hadn’t even been able to hold her, my arms ached to be able to pick her up and hold her close to me as any normal mother would do, but I couldn’t – too many wires and tubes. That night, Nik was told he couldn’t stay with me down on the ward, even though I was in a side room to shield me from all of the other mothers who had their babies next to them. Nik reluctantly went home. I tried to get some sleep, but in the middle of the night I was woken by one of the doctors. There was a problem with Sophia’s heart due to increased potassium levels (a result of her kidneys not working). “Do you want me to call your husband” she said to me. I replied that I couldn’t and asked her to do it. I rushed upstairs to be with Sophia, and about half an hour later Nik arrived.

We sat with her for the rest of the night as the doctors worked to reduce the potassium and help her heart. Miraculously, it worked, and she came through it, her heart rhythm normalised, and she was ok – such a brave and strong fighter, we couldn’t have been prouder of her and more thankful to the doctors.

As I was being discharged from the post-natal ward, the NICU thankfully said that they could accommodate Nik and I in one of the rooms that they have for the Mums and Dads of the sickest babies in Nursery 1 – only 4 rooms for the whole NICU. We were so thankful, and I was so happy that Nik didn’t have to go home again without us. We moved our things into the NICU and gratefully settled down into “NICU life”.

“NICU life” was hard. Days were spent by her bedside, with hands placed on her so that she knew we were here, and the nurses reminding us to go and eat some food at mealtimes. I used to put scraps of cloth that were given to me by the NICU staff in my clothes and then put them into the incubator with her so that she had something that smelled of Mummy. I was told that it’s a comfort for the babies whilst they can’t be taken out and held properly. She did seem to like it when I put a new bit of cloth in by her head – no eyes open or vast movement, but I just knew that she could tell I was there and with her.

After a few days of “NICU life”, the nurses said that they could try and get Sophia out of the incubator so that I could hold her and finally have my skin to skin with her. I was so excited, and also a little terrified as I didn’t want to hurt her or damage her any further. The time came, and with such military precision, professionalism and care our favourite nurse, Annie, gently took Sophia out of the incubator and placed her on my chest. Time stood still. It was incredible. Her tiny body pressed up against mine – the constant beeping and dinging from the machines suddenly stopped as both her and I shared a moment and she realised she was with Mummy again. I was overcome with emotion, and tears flowed. I tried to keep as still as possible whilst holding as she was still hooked up to the machines. She was so beautiful and perfect, and I couldn’t believe that we were in this position. I held her for such a long time, whilst Nik sat cuddled up next to us – I will never forget this first amazing family time – I could have stayed there forever.

As the days went by, family came and visited – only 2 at a time as that was the rule for the side of the incubators. Our feeling of helplessness was also felt by them as we watched and waited for good news. I felt like the whole nursery 1 staff in the NICU were so invested in Sophia and in trying to make her better. One of the doctor’s, Felicity, even used to do her nightly “wee dance” in the hope that her kidneys would work and there would be some wee overnight – only for us to be disappointed when we arrived the next morning and had the solemn answer “no, sorry” to the “has there been any wee” question.

As the days went by, Tracey and the team tried everything, even things they hadn’t tried before, and went above and beyond to help our beautiful Sophia. 7 days after her birth, Tracey explained to us that there was nothing else they could do. Our world fell apart. It couldn’t be the case. There had to be something more, or there had to be some divine miracle out there waiting for us – we aren’t bad people, and it all just felt so completely unfair. Day 7 was very hard. We met with the amazing people from Shooting Stars hospice, who explained to us that Sophia could be moved to Christopher’s hospice and we could be with her there. We decided that we didn’t want to move her, the NICU was all she had known and that’s where we wanted to stay. We both managed to get her out the incubator and have more cuddles which went on late into the night. I didn’t want day 7 to end as I knew what was coming on day 8.

Day 8 came. Most of the day is a blur, with us just sitting at her incubator desperately hoping for time to slow down and there to be a final miracle. There wasn’t. The NICU nurses came and took some final pictures (the ones that to this day I still haven’t been able to bring myself to look at) and do some foot and handprints. Then the time was suddenly upon us, and we were shown round to the daffodil room, with the promise from Annie that she would bring Sophia round to be with us there.

The daffodil room was so strange – a hospital bed, an en suite, a comfy sofa and artificial flowers, but also full of light from the double windows. I remember naively saying to Nik that it was such a weird room, and what on earth did they use it for? After what seemed like forever, Sophia was bought into the room with us. All of her wires and tubes had been removed and she looked like a normal tiny baby. Annie was using the hand pump ventilator to keep her breathing. We took our tops of for final skin to skin and sat down on the sofa. As Annie passed Sophia to me, Tracey explained about how some babies pass away straight way but also how some can stay for some time. Everyone prepared to leave Sophia, Nik, and I alone, and I remember repeating “it’s not sad, it’s not sad” over and over in an attempt to make us calm with my eyes so full of tears that I couldn’t focus.

Sophia didn’t leave us straight away; she was a fighter to the last. As I held her close to my chest, she made tiny breathing sounds, the first (and only) noise that I ever heard her make. It was so quiet and peaceful. After a few minutes, Tracey came back into the room. “She’s still here” I told her as Tracey checked her heartbeat. She indeed was. Tracey left and Nik and I continued to cuddle our precious baby Sophia. A few minutes later I felt it happen, I felt her peacefully slip away as the late afternoon sun suddenly shone into the double window. I know it sounds weird, but I felt a warm rush in my body, and I felt her go from being cuddled on my chest to being just above my head on the left-hand side. My beautiful baby Sophia had died.

The time in the daffodil room after she had passed away was surreal. After being confirmed, we were told we could stay as long as we needed and that she could stay with us as well. Annie helped us to wash her gently with water and cotton wool and dress her in the tiny yellow sleepsuit we had chosen. I then gently swaddled her in her yellow and white blanket and laid her down in the cot – an image that is emblazed into my mind. Nik suddenly broke down. I held him whilst he physically shook and sobbed. We decided that we couldn’t stay any longer and as we left her in Annie’s safe care, I looked back at her, crying, and knowing that I would never see her beautiful face again. Her perfect face, that had my top lip and Nik’s deep brown eyes, our happy, courageous, and loving Sophia.

We knew that we wanted to try again to have another baby. In fact, I remember Nik saying one night in the NICU that whatever happened he wanted to have a football team’s worth more. The doctors

advised me that due to the severity of my c-section (an inverted T-cut) I should wait a year to heal properly. One whole year???

I couldn’t wait that long. 6 months after Sophia passed away, I found out that I was pregnant again. Emotions were high and I was so happy, yet nervous. Unfortunately, our joy was short lived as I suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We had gone for an early scan only to be told that there had been an embryo, but it was now empty. The sense of loss was immense, but the pain was nothing compared to holding Sophia as she passed away.

We decided to get a puppy to fill the emptiness and silence in our house. Crazy, fluffy Mika arrived home with us on the day before Christmas eve 2020. Two days later I got my period, another sad month in which I wasn’t pregnant again. This sadness was only temporary as in January 2021 I found out I was pregnant again.

My 3rd pregnancy was so very hard - not physically as again, I didn’t have any problems with sickness or anything. But it was so mentally hard after losing Sophia. I was lucky to have a lot of support with our grief counsellor from Shooting Stars hospice, the Jasmine team, the Rainbow group for bereaved mothers from Royal Surrey and from a perinatal mental health worker (promise I’m not crazy, I just needed all the help that was available!)

My pregnancy was consultant led from day dot. The Royal Surrey did an amazing job to help Nik and I, to make sure that we felt ok and were comfortable with every meeting, appointment, and scan, as every trip to the hospital was triggering. We eventually made it to the 3rd trimester, and we started to actively plan the birth. I had to have a caesarean due to my previous surgery with Sophia and so we started to plan out the date for my c-section for our new baby.

My Consultant, Mr Koomson, was reluctant to let me go past 37 weeks as Sophia had been born early at 28 weeks, and so we made a plan to schedule the c-section for a day when Mr Koomson would be working and so could do the c-section himself. We planned for 15th September 2021 as I would just be 37 weeks the day before. It was a hard decision to make as my head was telling me that the best place for the baby was inside me to grow as much as possible, but my heart was just so worried and anxious that something was going to go wrong again.

The weeks stretched out as we got closer to September, the 15th was looming in my head. I made the decision to go on maternity leave early as I couldn't focus on work with my anxiety. One week into my maternity leave I went to meet another Rainbow mum friend at Devils Punchbowl. We had a cup of tea and I remember I said to her that I thought this baby would not make it to my scheduled c-section day, I just had a feeling. I went home and just after lunch I walked into our home office (where Nik was working) and said, “I think we should go to the hospital”. He hung up his conference call immediately and we rushed straight to Royal Surrey (completely forgetting the hospital bag that I had had packed since week 27). I felt that my water might have gone, although it was a completely different experience than when it happened with Sophia.

We got to Royal Surrey and they took me for observation. Eventually they decided that my waters had gone but they were going to monitor me overnight. I wasn’t too happy as I thought I could feel that labour had already started, and I have in my notes that I am not to labour again. A bit later, after having reviewed my notes and history the doctors came back and said that we had to go for an emergency c-section straight away. I was being bumped to the front of the queue and it had to happen right now, tonight.

I was petrified. The feeling from my previous emergency c-section came flooding back and I didn’t know how this was happening again - my calm planned c-section on 15th September wasn’t going to happen and my baby was going to come now, and it was all completely out of my control again.

Nik was amazing. He too was so terrified, but he had the bonus that he knew I wouldn’t be wheeled away from him and put under general anaesthetic this time - he could be here with me. The midwife who helped us through was the most kind and amazing lady ever. When I was wheeled through to the theatre, I just remember being so thankful that it was all so calm and everyone was being so nice and positive - it was a million miles away from being rushed to theatre, saying goodbye and shouting “I love you” to Nik at a pair of double doors.

Once in theatre it was very calm and bright. My body was shaking with fear, but everyone in the room was so good. After a round of introductions, the next steps in the procedure were explained to Nik and me. I won’t lie, the needle in your back is not pleasant at all, but in hindsight it is a mere pinprick when you finally have your healthy baby in your arms.

Once the injection was in, it seemed to take ages for all of me to go numb. The Anaesthetist kept doing tests and asking me if I could feel things. I remember at one point trying desperately to feel something as I was so scared about the surgery that I was trying to imagine that I could feel something when I couldn’t. They were so patient with me and helped me to relax and so I eventually knew I couldn’t feel anything. Then we were ready to go.

I would like to tell you what it felt like, but it was so very quick. Nik had managed to put together a very quick music playlist in the short time we had and so we listened to that together whilst the Anaesthetist and Midwife comforted and reassured me.

The next thing I knew, they held my beautiful baby above the screen for me to see, and I remember being so shocked that he was a boy as I had spent my whole pregnancy imagining that my baby was a girl! They passed him over to me for skin on skin and it was the second most perfect moment of my life - the fact that he immediately wee’d down my neck was not a problem - just an amazing, real, and beautiful moment.

They took our baby boy to be cleaned up and Nik asked if we were going to SCBU, only to be told in amazement that he was completely fine and healthy, and he’d be staying with us. We couldn’t believe it as we had expected to be in SCBU as he was premature. I was eventually wheeled back to the room holding my beautiful boy, to be greeted by the night midwives saying their congratulations as we went past. I held him and stared at him all night, too afraid to put him down. I couldn’t believe that after all we had been through with Sophia, I finally had her beautiful little brother in my arms. The next morning, Nik and I again looked at our baby boy and said, “he’s Sebastian”.

As I think back to my c-section, even though it was calm and planned, it was one of the scariest moments in life, but it bought us our beautiful son, Sebastian. It also showed me how strong I could be in the face of absolute terror, a strength that I hold on to when I talk to Sebastian about his perfect big little sister Sophia.

Sebastian is now 2 years old, and we frequently visit Sophia with crazy dog Mika. I want him grow up knowing that he’s part of a bigger family that includes Sophia, and that we are forever wrapped in a unique family bond of love together.

HYPERMOBILITY

Wed, 12 Aug 2020 10:15:33 GMT

Bending the milestones

I really want to share our story of late walking due to hypermobility, as first I knew absolutely nothing about it until my son was diagnosed but also because it is not a bad thing once you know. I feel I should say, if you are worried at all that your baby is not meeting milestones etc always get it checked out and don’t self-diagnose. But as a Mum that went through an uncertain time with a physically delayed baby I really want to share our story in the hope it raises awareness, as well as realisation that every baby is different and that baby milestones aren’t set in stone and there are exceptions to the rule, in this case: hypermobility.

We all look at milestones, it is helpful to have a rough guide. But what if your baby doesn’t fit into those milestones? Is something seriously wrong? Am I being paranoid?

For me, it was when he was still not weight bearing on his feet at 1 year that didn’t sit well with me. He never did it, if we tried to get him to stand he would just lift his legs in the air. I had mentioned it both to the GP and Health Visitor and was told to see how it goes.

This carried on, and well past a year old he was still not keen to be on his feet. He did start pulling himself up around 14 months but did not like it and wasn’t a confident cruiser.

We got 16 months and no progress had been made, We were going to baby groups and it was becoming more and more evident that he was not at the same level physically as most of the babies we were interacting with.

I happened to mention it to one of the wonderful ladies at the children’s centre we went to weekly, and she mentioned hypermobility to me.

I googled it (never google! It is not helpful) but I went back to the doctor again and he was put on a list to see a physio.

At the time the ‘cut off’ If you like, was 18 months, if your child isn’t walking by 18 months it should be investigated.

But the waiting list for physio was long and we were worried. He was at nursery and being kept back a room as he was not physically at the level of the other children. He was still predominantly crawling up to 20 months.

At 21 months, we decided to pay for a private appointment with a child physiotherapist. She came to our house, I will never forget it. I was 4 months pregnant with my second baby and so sick and struggling to carry my heavy toddler around. My Mum was with me and we were really quite worried. The physio walked into my lounge, took one look at my boy sitting on the floor and said ‘well he’s a bendy boy isn’t it?’

She diagnosed hypermobility in his hips and ankles within 5 minutes. She advised us to buy him some supportive ankle boots, which we did the next day, he was walking 2 weeks later on Brighton beach.

Hypermobility is not a negative thing in general. It can mean you might be nimble, dancing and gymnastics might be easier and you don’t get as many wrinkles as you get older!

That said, for a wee baby, it is challenging to learn to sit, crawl and walk when you are bendy and have less strength in your joints than the average.

It has become apparent again at pre school with pencil holding. He is struggling so we believe his wrists are hyper mobile too.

BUT, he does athletics class every Saturday, he runs, he jumps he does everything! It just happened later and for a very good reason.

We had no knowledge of it, we were scared, we were obsessed by milestones.

But sometimes a boy comes along that bends the milestones in his own special way and walking for the first time at 21 months shapes a little human being that does things in his very own special and beautiful way.

MY EARLY ARRIVALS

Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:44:50 GMT

A story of shock, survival, and my tiny twin babies!

I never really expected for my babies to spend time in neonatal. Whilst I was carrying the twins I was made aware that there was a high chance that they'd arrive early but I had in my mind 36 weeks, so when the boys made their entrance at 31 weeks it was still quite a shock.

Given how early the boys were, as soon I'd birthed them, they were handed to the paediatric nurses and consultants to check. One twin was taken straight to neonatal; I was allowed a few precious seconds of skin to skin with the second twin who was regulating his breathing better but the priority was getting them to the safety of NICU.

That first visit to neonatal intensive care unit was a shock. The boys lay curled up in plastic, space craft like incubators. Naked, apart from tiny nappies. Little eye masks on, being basked in blue light due to their jaundice. Each hooked up to various monitors beeping and whirring. It felt like they had such a fragile hold on life. Those first few days were petrifying, alarms would sound frequently. Thankfully the calmness of the nurses meant that we soon learnt what did and didn't warrant panicking over and they talked us though what each wire and monitor was there for. In the early days it felt like we were in the way, there was so little that we could do for the boys and I desperately wanted to be with them but felt like a spare part, as the nurses tended to them around me. The most I could do in those first few days was provide milk, and so I pumped every 2 hours until I was bruised and exhausted.

As the boys started to stabilise, we were finally able to hold our babies. Those first few moments of skin to skin were what I had been waiting for, just to feel my babies' tiny bodies on me. However even skin to skin time had to be carefully timed to coincide with feeding and changing and had to last for a minimum of an hour due to every interaction being very stimulating for the boys. My tiny babies should still be in the comforting warmth of my body, not being handled any more than they had to be but it was so alien not to be able to just pick up and cuddle my babies.

I was discharged from the hospital after 3 days, and leaving without my babies was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I knew I'd be back within a few hours, but my maternal instinct was that my babies should be with me. I was wracked with guilt that my body hadn't been able to keep them safe inside any longer and questioned whether I'd done something to bring the labour on early. I felt helpless, unable to look after my babies myself, instead relying on the doctors and nurses to keep them alive around the clock. Having a toddler at home as well, I felt torn between wanting to be there for her and wanting to be at the hospital with my boys, wherever I was I felt guilty and quite literally like my heart was being torn in 2. Between the 45 minute each way trips to the hospital 3 times a day and the 3 hourly pumping regime I was exhausted, and highly emotional.

Every tiny step in NICU feels huge. A weight gain of 80 grams or a twin being ‘hatched’ from the incubator is a cause for celebration and after 5 long weeks of trips back and forth, we were allowed to take our boys home. This in itself was terrifying, they were still so tiny, they hadn’t even reached their due date yet, and we had become used to the safety blanket of NICU, with its monitors and nurses watching over the boys 24/7. I don't think I slept a wink that first night that they were home, petrified that they'd stop breathing and I wouldn't realise. I felt fiercely protective over them and in those early days didn't want anyone holding and touching them other than us. The boy's clever little bodies would build resistance to our home environment but exposure to any foreign germs outside of that at this stage could be devastating.

Fast forward, and the boys are now 10 months old (the equivalent of 8 months) and thriving. It's hard to believe they were ever as tiny and fragile as they were. Premature babies have so many obstacles to overcome, but they really are such fighters and the staff in the neonatal wards are honestly angels. If we didn't live in a developed country with the outstanding healthcare system that we have then I highly doubt my babies would be here with me today. Their care over those 5 weeks cost approximately £150,000. I can't begin to explain how grateful I am to our NHS and the amazing staff who work in neonatal for giving me my twins.

If anyone is interested in reading more about life in the neonatal unit then I'd highly recommend picking up a copy of 'Mothership' by Francesca Segal. It's a very raw, very real account of a mother's journey with her twins.

MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH & HOPE

Wed, 29 Jul 2020 15:46:04 GMT

Mental health is a huge issue in the U.K. right now, particularly during COVID 19 Lockdown, all of our usual support networks have been removed and so many mums are struggling at home, alone.

I see mums in class every week who have suffered or are suffering with varying degrees of psychosis, anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and other issues and their strength and resilience inspires me. They keep on, keeping on and loving their babies. There is nothing stronger than a Mumma!

Its important to remember that we won't be in this situation forever, we will be able to hug our family, friends and supporters again. There is hope, there is always hope!

In the meant time, reach out when you need support, call on your friends, family, anyone you trust. Call the GP, health visitor, the process of getting an appointment may be a bit different to the norm but there are still there and still available. There are also a range of charities and businesses around who can help and support you. PANDAS is an amazing charity supporting families through peri natal mental health issues.

You are not alone, you are loved and you are not a bad mother. There can be so much unnecessary stigma around mental health issues, particularly in mothers, we worry that it means we are bad mummas, we worry it means we have failed our baby and our families, we worry that we will never feel "well" again. This is all wrong, you are ill, not a bad person! You can absolutely be a brilliant mother and person and have mental health issues. It does not mean you have failed or you are less deserving. It simply means you are ill.

I want to share my journey with post natal depression with you. I consider myself a strong person, I lost my mum at 19 and raised my 12 year old sister, I survived, in fact I thrived. I am strong and resilient and yet the birth of my second child floored me in a way I could never has anticipated.

When The Little One was born for a long time I had no hope in my life, I felt no joy, no love. I am so consumed with tiredness and anger and frustration that the light of hope had simply gone out inside me.

They had severe silent reflux and colic and didn't sleep for more than 2 hours until they were 4 months old. They cried, ALL THE TIME, and would only settle in a sling. My first had been so laid back and easy and this was all so new to me. I don't cope well with no sleep anyway and juggling no sleep, a newborn and a toddler was pure hell.

I felt lost and alone. I didn't talk to anyone about it as I felt it was a failing on my part. I was letting my newborn down as I struggled to bond, I was letting my toddler down as I had no time for fun, I was letting my friends and family down as I never wanted to see people and I just wanted to hide away, I was letting my husband down as I was so filled with anger but above all else I was letting myself down as I was in total denial at the situation.

I never thought the clouds would part and I never thought I would see the sun again. I certainly never thought I would be a good mum again or that my baby would love me.

I refused to seek help or support because I am not the kind of person who struggles! I am strong, I am independent and I am not “one of those” mums who suffers with PND! Except I was, I could be strong and independent and still need help and support.

PND and all mental illness in fact, does not discriminate, it doesn’t care how old you are, what you do for living, how nice your car is or where you do your weekly shop! It just picks people off at will.

I don't know how I got through those first few months, they are a total blur in my mind and I look back at photos of my beautiful baby and my heart aches. I wish more than anything I had gotten some help and support. I could have felt better so much sooner.

The Little One knows nothing of our shaky start, all they know is love. And like no other child I know that kid feels love! They have a never ending supply of love and they spreads that stuff round like a 4 year old allowed to put their our Nutella on toast! They are hilariously funny, kind, caring, fiercely loyal and incredibly cheeky. They literally makes my heart sing.

We are the best of friends, they write me love notes, draw pictures of us together, kisses my hand as we walk along and pick every single flower they sees for me. They love me, they doesn’t know the struggles I faced to love them in those early dark days because all they see and feel now is the love we have worked so bloody hard to achieve.

And it is a beautiful, unbreakable bond we now have, we have been through some serious �� together and come out smelling of ��

There is hope, they were my hope!

So if you need too, take a few deep breaths, and then just say it “I need some help” hope is there, it just plays a bit of hide and seek with us some times. You can absolutely get through this and you will be strong again.

Sending love,

Steph x

Steph Standing

Co-Founder & Director

The Mummas Village Ltd

The Mummas Village

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Positive Birth - Induction of third baby....

Positive Birth - Second baby home birth

Positive Birth - Second baby home birth

Positive Birth - IVF journey

POSITIVE BIRTH - IVF Journey

Starting Reception Part 3 - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips.

Starting Reception - The First Week: Routines, Goodbyes & Practical Tips

Ease back into the morning routine

Make the night before do some of the work

Take the photo before the first morning

Keep goodbye warm, clear and predictable

Do not promise a perfect day

Expect very tired children afterwards

A practical first week checklist

If drop off continues to feel difficult

And finally, for you

Starting Reception Part 2- Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready

Starting Reception - Part 2 - Helping Your Child Feel Emotionally Ready

Talk about school, but let them lead sometimes

Make the unfamiliar a little more familiar

Use play if it feels natural

Use a countdown carefully

Help them name what they need

Practise small, predictable separations

Share what helps your child with the school

Make room for mixed feelings, including yours

If settling takes time

You are not preparing them for a performance

Starting Reception Part 1- The Skills Actually Worth Practising Before School.

Child Development - Visual Tracking

Child Development - Visual Tracking

Child Development - Inhibitory Control

Child Development - Inhibitory Control

Reusable Nappy Week 2024

National Adoption Week - Ellie's Story

Ellie's Story

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2023 - Rachel's Story

Baby Loss Awareness Week - Rachel's story

A NEW SIBLING

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Baby Loss Awareness Week 2023 - Emma's Story

Baby Loss Awareness 2023 - Emma's story

Baby Loss Awareness 2023 - Sophia's Story

Ellie shares her beautiful daughter Sophia:

HYPERMOBILITY

Bending the milestones

MY EARLY ARRIVALS

A story of shock, survival, and my tiny twin babies!

MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH & HOPE

Mental health is a huge issue in the U.K. right now, particularly during COVID 19 Lockdown, all of our usual support networks have been removed and so many mums are struggling at home, alone.