Its important to remember that we won't be in this situation forever, we will be able to hug our family, friends and supporters again. There is hope, there is always hope!

In the meant time, reach out when you need support, call on your friends, family, anyone you trust. Call the GP, health visitor, the process of getting an appointment may be a bit different to the norm but there are still there and still available. There are also a range of charities and businesses around who can help and support you. PANDAS is an amazing charity supporting families through peri natal mental health issues.

You are not alone, you are loved and you are not a bad mother. There can be so much unnecessary stigma around mental health issues, particularly in mothers, we worry that it means we are bad mummas, we worry it means we have failed our baby and our families, we worry that we will never feel "well" again. This is all wrong, you are ill, not a bad person! You can absolutely be a brilliant mother and person and have mental health issues. It does not mean you have failed or you are less deserving. It simply means you are ill.

I want to share my journey with post natal depression with you. I consider myself a strong person, I lost my mum at 19 and raised my 12 year old sister, I survived, in fact I thrived. I am strong and resilient and yet the birth of my second son floored me in a way I could never has anticipated.

When The Little One was born for a long time I had no hope in my life, I felt no joy, no love. I am so consumed with tiredness and anger and frustration that the light of hope had simply gone out inside me.

He had severe silent reflux and colic and he didn't sleep for more than 2 hours until he was 4 months old. He cried, ALL THE TIME, and he would only settle if he was in a sling. My first son had been so laid back and easy and this was all so new to me. I don't cope well with no sleep anyway and juggling no sleep, a newborn and a toddler was pure hell.

I felt lost and alone. I didn't talk to anyone about it as I felt it was a failing on my part. I was letting my newborn down as I struggled to bond with him, I was letting my toddler down as I had no time for fun, I was letting my friends and family down as I never wanted to see people and I just wanted to hide away, I was letting my husband down as I was so filled with anger but above all else I was letting myself down as I was in total denial at the situation.

I never thought the clouds would part and I never thought I would see the sun again. I certainly never thought I would be a good mum again or that my son would love me. 

I refused to seek help or support because I am not the kind of person who struggles! I am strong, I am independent and I am not “one of those” mums who suffers with PND! Except I was, I could be strong and independent and still need help and support. 

PND and all mental illness in fact, does not discriminate, it doesn’t care how old you are, what you do for living, how nice your car is or where you do your weekly shop! It just picks people off at will.

I don't know how I got through those first few months, they are a total blur in my mind and I look back at photos of my beautiful son and my heart aches. I wish more than anything I had gotten some help and support. I could have felt better so much sooner.

The Little One knows nothing of our shaky start, all he knows is love. And like no other child I know that boy feels love! He has a never ending supply of love and he spreads that stuff round like a 4 year old allowed to put their our Nutella on toast! He is hilariously funny, kind, caring, fiercely loyal and incredibly cheeky. He literally makes my heart sing.

We are the best of friends, he writes me love notes, he draws pictures of us together, kisses my hand as we walk along and picks every single flower he sees for me. He loves me, he doesn’t know the struggles I faced to love him in those early dark days because all he sees and feels now is the love we have worked so bloody hard to achieve. 

And it is a beautiful, unbreakable bond we now have, we have been through some serious 💩 together and come out smelling of 🌹

There is hope, he was my hope!

So if you need too, take a few deep breaths, and then just say it “I need some help” hope is there, it just plays a bit of hide and seek with us some times. You can absolutely get through this and you will be strong again.

Sending love,

Steph x

Steph Standing

Co-Founder & Director

The Mummas Village Ltd